before & after

The First Little Nguyen's First Day of Preschool
September 2007

Before seems like such a long time ago, yet it is only roughly 280 days in the past. Before, the Second Little Nguyen...

• ...was so little.
• ...drank exclusively from a sippy cup.
• ...could not write his own name.
• ...did not know how to button his own pants.
• ...needed help sliding down the fireman's pole at the playground.
• ...wanted to be held all the time.
• ...did not know his own voice.

After came much too soon. After, he could...

• ...laugh at others' jokes.
• ...use the restroom on his own.
• ...wipe up his own spills.
• ...dress himself.
• ...ride a bike (almost) without training wheels.
• ...appreciate a warm hug after a few hours apart.
• ...speak his mind.

So much has changed since August. Today was the Second Little Nguyen's last day of preschool. Obviously, we have mixed feelings about that! As a teacher, his developing excitement about school has been heart-warming to watch, and his independent spirit has really emerged. But at the same time, we can barely remember the days when he wore pull-ups, much less diapers, or when he needed help dressing in the morning.

As parents, we are so proud of our children when they learn to do things without help. We celebrate those moments. We cheer from the hallway when they use the restroom on their own, we smile when they can eat cleanly without a bib, and we tell them what a good job they do when they learn to write the letters in their names. We rejoice when they want to dress themselves, and when the clothes they pick out for themselves actually match. For awhile, all of that cheering on the outside blankets the aching in our hearts...but eventually we all feel that longing to have the "old days" back. And those longings must be satisfied with the memories we have created. That's why we photograph everything and videotape hundreds of events. Those things have to be enough.

I am not blessed with a photographic memory, and I don't remember details very well. I need for things to be repeated over and over again. Many, many times I have asked Chi to recount the events of the day the First Little Nguyen was born. Or I ask him a question about when the Second Little Nguyen learned to walk. I just can't recall all of the details, and I very badly want to remember. I have glimpses of things in my mind, but to remember all of the important little details I have pull out the photos and videotapes.

His Last Day -- May 22, 2008

When our children were just babies, we thought preschool was so far off, or that Kindergarten was at least a century away. And then those first days came and went. While we were thrilled with the children's curiosity about life, at the same time we were left with an empty, vacant feeling inside as they began to pull away and find more of themselves. We were left longing for one more close, warm, lasting hug as they ran away from us...the kind of embrace where we hang on for minutes at a time, soaking up the closeness. It's so hard to "let go" of your kids. Everyone tells us that parenthood is really just a series of moments, building little by little, in which we are required to loosen our grip. It must be the most difficult thing parents have to learn. It seems to be harder every time we have to do it, maybe because the children get further and further from infancy or toddlerhood or preschool. Maybe it's because the memories are fading and we desperately want to remember. I wish that learning to let go was more like learning to ride a bike. I wish that, with practice, it would become a simpler thing to do.